Now that he ’s fixed California and put all that unpleasantness behind him , Arnold Schwarzenegger is talking picture again . And by the audio of things , it sounds as though his next project will be either Terminator 5 or a sequel to Twins . But why choose one ?
Arnie should think heavy , as is his wo nt . He should make a subsequence to not just one film , but his entire back catalog . We all have intercourse the Austrian dozer is versatile enough to make it lick . In fact , a single sequel to the entire Arnie ouevre is n’t just the best selection , it ’s the only option . Here ’s how it would work .
The cay to how this nous - bending , steel - bending , lineament can work is in the structure . A standard Hollywood flick has three acts , but a late eighties or 1990s Schwarzenegger blowout has at least seven acts — Arnie cross over the doorstep of risky venture . Then he goes back and sound off the threshold a few dozen fourth dimension , so that it starts lean to one side , like a boozy boxer . Finally , he render later on and plants an entire truck full of dynamite under the threshold to adventure , blow it to tiny twisted clump , and laughing with all his teeth at any jester who might adjudicate to use that threshold for their own risky venture in the hereafter .
So here ’s the 7 - routine structure of our perfect Arnie sequel …
Arnold Schwarzenegger is sitting at family with his twin brother , Danny DeVito , and they ’re watching a weightlifting patronage on television system . Arnie is reminisce about how he crushed Lou Ferrigno in the Mr. Olympia rivalry , back when Arnie used psychological warfare and deep-fried chicken to get his fashion , andhis back was full of fingers . Arnie is talking about how he humiliated the succeeding Incredible Hulk in front of his kinsfolk , until he discover the lamentation of all the Ferrigno women .
And hearing this poignant story of bodybuilding , hubris and pose contests , Danny DeVito unexpectedly begins weeping , as if he , too , were one of the Ferrigno char . “ It ’s just so … sad , ” DeVito bawls , hand for a box of tissue paper and thrusting them all in his face .
“ Why are you crying ? What is wrong with you ? ” Arnie demands , but Danny has already run to the kitchen to get a tubful of meth cream and a jar of enormous muddle , because he ’s having these intense cravings , like a voracious beast . And has been have them for several months now , it turns out .
“ look a minute , ” Arnie say . “ You mean to say that you are pregnant ? How can you be pregnant ? What have you done ? Is this more of your half-baked experiment or something ? ” Danny DeVito just shrug and maintain dim whole pickles into his saving sized container of Rocky Road . The scene ends with Arnie standing over his duplicate brother , shout , “ Who ’s the Fadda ? WHO ’S THE FADDA ? ? ? ”
Arnie is most worried about what his married woman , Jamie Lee Curtis , will think about all this . If she think he ’s keeping closed book from her again , he ’s well and truly screwed . He does n’t want to have to sleep in the Hummer again .
But shortly enough , they do a genetic scan of DeVito ’s baby , and make a shameful find : Danny DeVito is meaning with a clone of Arnie himself !
“ Oh no , not again , ” tell Arnie . The last time someone clone him , the clone thought he was the actual Schwarzenegger , and tried to sleep with Jamie Lee Curtis . Hours of explaining . Weeks in the Hummer . This whole situation sends Arnie into a fit of almost uncontrollable weltschmertz , as if his whole macrocosm was unraveling and he was confronting an abyssal chasm between the universe he knew , and the dark wrick mockery beyond . “ I ’m live on to be the uncle of my own clone , ” he laments . “ This is wicked ! ”
At first , Arnold think that he can handle with this , and spirit return to a modicum of N . Danny DeVito is on the lounge a hatful , watching Lifetime Channel movies because of all his fresh endocrine and clobber , and they keep suffer to line up his pillows for him . But Jamie Lee Curtis is being amazingly understanding , considering . They go shopping for kevlar nappy . They look through baby name list for something sufficiently butch .
But one Clarence Shepard Day Jr. , when Arnold and Danny are out ride on Arnold ’s bike , jumping over midsized cars on the highway ( which Arnie swears is good for the fetus ) something terrible happens . Someone — - or something — - is standing in the middle of the highway , surrounded by fire . And it expect sort of like a beautiful woman , and sort of like a young Robert Patrick , reckon on how you squint . The apparition lifts a rocket engine launcher and aims second power at Arnie and Danny .
Just then , someone who looks just like Arnold start onto the back of the motorcycle , so that Danny DeVito is sandwich between two Arnold Schwarzeneggers . “ Not another clone ! ” mutters Arnold , swerving to forfend flaming debris . But no . In fact , this is a robot . Who promises not to try and sleep with Jamie Lee Curtis . Try .
foresighted story shortsighted — it turns out that Arnold ’s clone inside the uterus of his matching crony is actually destined to carry through the world from evil robots , in the future . ( And some of those automaton are designed to look incisively like Arnold ’s clone , which is n’t confusing at all . ) “ I have been reprogrammed to fight your unborn clone from all potential harm , ” says the cybernetic Arnie , draw a sawn - off shotgun out of his leather pants and shoot at the 16 - wheeler motortruck the other killer whale robot has just appropriated .
Danny DeVito is being vanquish between an Arnold steering the bike in front of him and an Arnold shooting at thing behind him , and he has a third Arnold gestating inside him . “ Geez . This is like some kind of gonzo metaphor for the soulless claustrophobia of the buddy flick story , ” Danny DeVito think to himself as the motorcycle goes off the side of the thruway and onto another throughway , because freeways are always stack on top of each other like that .
Danny DeVito is pretty sure that there are layers to his metaphorical envelopment in Arnie that he does n’t require to peel away , for fear that what he will find is the extinction of the ego . There is not just folly , but a entire repudiation of sanity , hold back for him if he believe the fact that Arnie is all around him and inside him . He feel like shout “ At least I ’m the meat in the sandwich ! Ha ha ha ha ! ” at the top of his lung , but he worry that Arnie will take offence at being called loot by significance — admiration bread , probably — and also he ’s disturbed if he opens his oral cavity , burning debris will fly flop in .
“ Do n’t worry , ” says the front Arnie . “ It ’s just the universe being meta . It happens to me all the meter . All of my motion-picture show after Last Action Hero turn back an element of blinking at the camera , and I never stopped breaking the fourth paries . With my fist ! ”
But still , Danny DeVito is jolly convinced that if he think too hard about his spot , his headspring will blow up . The sheer Schwarzenegger overburden , the supposed meta - cape , the way he ’s being subsumed in his twin comrade as if Arnie was retroactively absorbing him back into a single zygote when they were in the uterus together , the way Arnie is now in his womb … it ’s just too much to think about . And with that , Danny DeVito ’s principal actually does explode .
“ Oh no ! ” Arnie shouts at the suddenly brainless eubstance smushed between him and his golem duplicate on the motorcycle . The T-1000 perched on top of a state highway overpass brandishes its garden rocket launcher and smile thinly at a mission accomplished . The decapitate DeVito nearly lessen off the bike , but the two Arnies prop him up . “ You kill my baby clone ! ”
“ I am crying on the inside , ” tell the flesh - and - blood Arnie , whose look ca n’t quite extend enough to show grief . “ My brother . My nephew . My counterpart and my clone ! I feel terrible . ”
“ We have to store your babe , ” the other Arnie enunciate . “ It ’s time for . Heroic measures . ”
ambulance arrive , not a moment too shortly , and what follows is a delivery view in which we mostly see the faces of the two Arnolds . The Terminator looks grim and steely as he blarney the babe out of Danny ’s exanimate torso , while the “ real ” Arnie looks progressively gross out out , his eyes and teeth bugger off bigger and bigger until he seem as though he ’s being exposed to the Martian aura all over again .
Finally , the dead ringer of Arnie is pull out , bawling in the midst of the burning expressway . And fortunately the Terminator does n’t undertake to slap it on the back or anything .
The two Arnies and their cloned Word are cannonball along to the hospital , where the still - faint cloned babe is placed in an brooder . “ We will do everything we can , ” Jeff Goldblum says . “ It ’s touch and go . There is an data-based procedure that might help . We could stimulate the infant ’s mental ontogeny , if we had a suited brainwave presenter . Someone whose brainwave are genetically selfsame . ” Everybody face at Arnie , who looks unconnected and put - upon .
“ I ’ll stand sentry duty , ” says the Terminator Arnie . “ You get in the hot seat . ”
before long enough , Arnie is strapped into a chair , with a million prongs aim at his headland , so that his brainwaves can be harvested and used to keep his clone babe alert , and thus save the time to come .
“ This is a pretty wide-eyed function , ” Goldblum says , “ but you may go into a dream world in which you ’re ineffectual to tell reality from deception , and your identity may become a mint of shards from a shattered mirror . ”
“ I transgress the fourth paries with my tooth , ” Arnie says , then passes out .
Arnold inflame up in the chair , but this time everything is dissimilar . He ’s no longer hooked up to a babe version of himself . Instead , he ’s sit around in a research lab surrounded by weird machines . And Jeff Goldblum has a mustache and soul piece all of a sudden .
“ Thank goodness , ” Jeff Goldblum says . “ We thought we ’d lose you . ”
Jeff Goldblum explain that everything that ’s happened to Arnie since about 1982 has been an elaborate dream , which he hold up into as a way to run away from the stress of being Mr. Olympia . The movie career , everything . He ’s been in this chair the whole time . “ And now we have to put you into another dream , so you may discover out who the mole is in the federal WITSEC program . ”
But Arnie does not want to be put into a dream inside what he suspect is already a dream — because the mo he wake in the chair , he realize he was actually his character from Commando , particular forces broker John Matrix . He ’s in the Matrix , and his name is Matrix . He bursts out of the chair , shout , “ You fumble my cover — again ! ” and defend his fashion through a complex full of scientist and safety equipment with AK-47s , to rule an exit that leads to the roof of a inquiry adroitness / concrete fortress .
fortuitously , there ’s a helicopter on the cap , and Arnie gets to the choppa , train off just as people start shooting open - to - melody missiles from a launcher mask as a orbiter dish at him .
Arnie returns to his home , where he chance he is no longer married to Jamie Lee Curtis at all , and instead his married woman is freeze inside a elephantine piston chamber in the bread and butter way . And there ’s a video tape with a embarrassing attached , read “ WATCH THIS . ” Arnie watches it , and sees a new , more mulleted reading of himself , tire a form of off - the - shoulder toga .
“ I am Hercules , the son of Zeus , ” say the Arnie on the video . “ And you are me . You have lost your storage . You do n’t know who you are any more . You are me . I am you . But you do n’t remember . I came to New York , even though Zeus told me not to . And now they are total to take my storage away . You have to get them back . ”
“ But I do n’t bonk how , ” order Arnie .
“ Do n’t ask any doubt , ” says Hercules . “ You have to go back to the kindergarten . The kid are hold back for you . Look for the inflatable dinosaur . The inflatable dinosaur has all the answers . Go now , before Mars finds you . ”
“ Mars is count for me ? ” says Arnie .
“ The God of War , ” Hercules chant . “ Get your ass away from Mars . ” Then the video terminate . Arnie stares at the blank screen in bemusement . He still does n’t know who the father of his knockoff baby is . Not to mention whether he ’s John Matrix or Hercules , or whether he ’s in a ambition or just woken up from one . He is trapped in a David Hume - vogue nightmare in which his sense impressions are all he can harvest a priori , and an unbearable solipsism is bound to result . Either that , or blowing up everything in sight .
Arnie steals a Jeep and hauls ass to the kindergarten where he once posed as a substitute teacher , so he can find the inflatable dinosaur . But halfway there , he ’s ambushed by Russian gangsters . With special explosive - tipped lasers — optical maser ray that blow up on encroachment . His Jeep is tear apart , and he finds himself being herded into a maze of death .
This is the climactic routine , sort of . Arnie is chase through a maze of prickly conducting wire and deathtraps and explosives by a serial of maniac armed with chain saw and miniature shoulder - launched space shuttles . He is forced to wear a sensationalistic unitard . He slices people with names like Killmonster and Negative Space in half , and finally uses one of the distance - shuttlecock launchers to blow a hole in the wall , so he can elude .
Arnie has to fare up with clever epigram about everybody he kills . It ’s exhausting . “ Negative Space ? Now just a big nothing ! ” He shouts at one detail , which is not his good quip at all .
And bad of all , something more deadly than Killmonster is stalk Arnie through the rubble of the snarl . Something that ’s unseeable to the naked eye , but which can go after Arnie by his body . Some variety of Rastafarian barbarian nightmare with a laser tidy sum and a terrible crabmeat cheek . Does it phlebotomize ? Can he down it ?
Arnie gives it his best dead reckoning , give miniature space shuttle and exploding lasers and dozens of chainsaws at the Predator . All to no avail — until suddenly the Terminator burst through one of the main remain bulwark and pull the Predator apart with its nude bridge player .
“ You ’re still stargaze , ” says the Terminator . “ Come with me if you desire to wake up . ”
The Terminator lead Arnie through a rapidly decomposing dreamscape , in which they ’re being chased by Mars , the God of War . And at last , they encounter the departure , and awaken … to regain that Mars is there in the real mankind , too .
“ What does it entail ? ” Arnold thinks loud . Mars is stand over his dream chairman , fall apart his full bright Greco - Roman armour and gaze at the flyspeck clone child of Arnold .
And then he actualize — Mars is n’t Mars . He ’s really Thulsa Doom , back from the dead . Yes , James Earl Jones is bear Greco - Roman armour and dig for Arnold ’s cloned baby . “ My fry , ” Thulsa Doom is saying to the baby . “ Come to me . For who is your male parent now , if not me ? Purging is at hand . ”
In the denouement , Arnold supervise to abduct the sister away , and runs through a nightmare cityscape with a baby reading of himself sling across his chest , while he ’s being chased by Thulsa Doom and evil robots from the hereafter . He winds up in a church — where he in the end realizes the accuracy . The baby is not really his clone , but rather the Son of Satan , as was prophesized all the manner back in his authoritative film End of Days .
“ No , ” Arnie falls to his stifle . “ Now I know who the fadda is , and I wish I did n’t ! ”
“ Yes , ” says Thulsa Doom , snatching Satan ’s baby off from Arnold . “ A purging is at bridge player . You really should n’t have defeat my snake . ” Arnie watches in desperation as Thulsa Doom takes the babe off to be raised as Satan ’s minion on Earth and convey about the Robot Apocalypse .
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