I live in Cleveland , which does n’t seem like a town where a bottle of water could go for $ 1,701 . There ’s no Rodeo Drive here , no Hollywood sign , no posh salon promising the perfect poodle dog pedicure .
On the hypothesis that there had to be something else in the H2O for it to be $ 1701 , the supplement hunt begin with Beluga caviar and skip through the first principle past gold and saffron crocus . Nothing . No clue whatsoever to explain how something so common could cost so much .
Had the label read , " Nectar of the Gods , " maybe . But not a bottle of H20 sitting next to an ice bucket on top of an armoire in a hotel room occupied by a Cleveland Browns musician during a preseason trip-up .
( take down to non - sports fans : The Cleveland Browns are an institution in my town and , on uncommon occasion , a pro football squad . )
With the misstep finished and the beak now in the hands of organizational number crunchers , Browns ' chief passenger car Eric Mangini learned that one of his participant had checked out without pay for the water .
Mangini ’s next move vanish right in line of business with all the mastery - freak , single - disposed , my - way - or - the - main road football game tutor of legend . He did n’t tell payroll to subtract $ 3 from the actor ’s next balk . He impose a $ 1,701 fine — the maximum allowed under the Collective Bargaining Agreement .
That was my most recent reminder that football coaches — the driven , paranoid , contradictory lot of them — do ( and say ) the darndest thing .
hoops coach Bob Knight , who make a class or two as a scholarly person at Ohio State from the legendary football coach Woody Hayes , once enjoin , " When they get to the bottom of Watergate , they ’ll get a football coach . "
Well , tightlipped .
They feel President Richard Nixon , a benchwarmer at Whittier College , who once urge a play to Redskins ' head coach George Allen . If there were a Mt. Rushmore of control freak coaches , one stone - face expression would belong to to Allen , who use a man named Ed Boynton , whom sportswriters aptly nickname Double O Boynton — his job was to look for the forest around the Redskins domain calculate for spies .
Lest any contingent go neglected , Allen once had a scout chart the position of the Sunday to attempt to keep it out of the heart of his punt - catcher .
( By the way , Allen did execute the dramatic play Nixon suggested and it lost yards . )
Please Turn Off the Fireworks
The first NFL coach I pass serious sentence around was Dick Vermeil , who led the Philadelphia Eagles to Super Bowl XV , quit advert burnout a few years after , and then afterwards won a title with the St. Louis Rams in his reincarnation .
When Vermeil unfold his first training camp on July 4 , 1976 , he cower his coaches in a way for get together and film study that night . When wickedness fell , explosions handsome and small erupted outside .
Vermeil hated anything he consider a misdirection . He demand to know what was going on . An assistant told him that not only was it the Fourth of July , it was the Bicentennial — a celebration of the country ’s two-hundredth birthday . He was , after all , in suburban Philadelphia , a city that serve as accoucheuse in that birth .
" I do n’t deal whose birthday it is , " Vermeil rail , " Go recount them to wrick it off . "
While coaching at UCLA , Vermeil conducted interviews for his stave between midnight and 3 a.m. Those were his down hours .
In Phildelphia , he made day-to-day lists every break of day for his wife , his administrative assistant , his personnel man and himself . He slumber in his office . On more than one occasion , as the newsperson cut across the Eagles for an afternoon paper , I ’d call Vermeil in his authority at 3 or 4 a.m. to control on something . He always answered the phone on the first or second ring , as if it were noonday .
" What can I do for you ? " he ’d say .
After the first season , it became readable that Vermeil ’s burrow vision about football game interdict even the slight bit of working knowledge about almost all other topics . We ’d have fun with that in the press corps , occasionally slither a current event into the give-and-take just to provoke a vacuous stare .
My pet Vermeil level came at practice one day . prole were put up scaffolding at one end of the stadium for the coming Rolling Stones concert . Hammers and drill were the scope music of the day . That variety of distraction repel Vermeil wild .
When he walked over to where we abide for his post - practice press league , someone observe the randomness . Vermeil griped about the noise interrupt his practice .
" Dick , are you a sports fan of the Rolling Stones ? " he was ask .
" I do n’t know much about them , " Vermeil aver . " But my kids read their magazine . "
My only regret is that I never get down to inquire him about The Monkees . It is not out of the realm of hypothesis that he would ’ve said , " Look , I ’ve never been to the menagerie . "
When he showed mansion of burning out , the Eagles GM along with Vermeil ’s wife urged him to set aside some time and run across with the team psychologist .
Carol Vermeil remembers her husband walking into the house after the appointment . " How ’d it go ? " she take .
Said Vermeil , " Ah , it would take me a week to straighten out that guy out . "
Vermeil once waive a instrumentalist at practice after the child miss three blocks . The histrion , free agent , Mike Siegel , left the field strip down as he cash in one’s chips until he wear only a dyad of short . If Vermeil noticed , he did n’t say anything .
Vermeil once redid an entire playbook section because an assistant coach drew the circles and squares representing offensive and defensive players by hand. Vermeil insisted on using a stencil.
During Super Bowl XV when we were in New Orleans , the off - field history of the workweek was that Oakland justificatory electrician John Matuszak had been watch out until all hours on Bourbon Street guide up to the biz . Asked what he ’d do if one of his players did the same , Vermeil chuff . " They be sent home to Philadelphia on the next planer , he said .
Oakland , with John Matuszak playing , add up out loose and focused in Super Bowl XV , beating Vermeil ’s jittery Eagles , 27 - 10 .
In aSports Illustratedprofile that writer Gary Smith did on Vermeil after his surrender , Carol Vermeil talked about how it was living with her hubby .
" I ’d say , " Dick , I cut off my arm today but I do n’t consider it ’s too bad — and he would n’t even winkle , " she pronounce .
Great Moments in Football Coaching
October seems as expert a sentence as any to celebrate ( for lack of a estimable word ) the American football game passenger vehicle for all his single - minded overwrought tunnel vision . In my 33 years of sports writing , here are a few who control my attending :
Joe Gibbs : The legendary Redskins coach-and-four is said to have ask his wife to record dinner party - board conversations so he could take the tape to the Redskins ' facility and get up on what the kinsfolk was doing .
Dale Christensen : You never get wind of him , I ’m sure . He was a Illinois high school football game coach , who guess it would be a good idea before a playoff game to have his musician see him get shoot .
Christensen staged the phony shooting in the school cafeteria before a playoff game, ostensibly to motivate his players. Students understandably scrambled for cover after Christensen fell to the floor, fake blood covering his shirt. Two calls to police emergency numbers were made.
In the news account of the incident one player articulate " the seismic disturbance of the musical theme we were going to die " shadow any stop the coach had been trying to make . Go figure .
Woody Hayes : His sideline rants at OSU were far-famed , especially the one at the 1978 Gator Bowl that cost him his task after he punched a Clemson musician . " When I attend in the mirror in the morning , I desire to take a swing at me , " Hayes once said .
My favorite account about Hayes was just of late partake by a author , who overcompensate OSU football for the campus newspaper back in the day . Leonard Downie Jr. said last year that after OSU deprivation or ties , Hayes would conduct post - game consultation in the nude .
" He was an ugly guy rope , " Downie said , " so it would clear out the locker room pretty fast . "
Bear Bryant : Not that football carriage ever overestimate the grandness of what they do , but the legendary Alabama charabanc once said , " If you want to take the air the celestial streets of gold , you get ta recognise the password , " Roll , tide , roll ! "
Jon Gruden : Another NFL coach who , like Gibbs and Dick Vermeil , wore a deficiency of sleep as a badge of honor . In Tampa he was known as " Jon : 3:11 . " No , not because he was a sharp-set proofreader of Scripture . But because that ’s when his dismay go off every dawn .
John McKay : view McKay ’s inclusion on this list as an break . He was n’t like the others . His overture and especially his dry brain were antidotes for what ails some of football game ’s most driven coaches .
Lots of people probably know the most notable quote attributed to him . His Tampa Bay pirate were a winless and piteous expansion team . enquire after one horrid performance what he think of his offense ’s execution , McKay tell , " I ’m all for it . "
A lesser known McKay moment do after his USC team lost 51 - 0 to Notre Dame . Addressing his Trojans in the locker way , McKay said only , " All those who need showers , take them . "
Lee Corso:(Extended Intermission ) The former motorbus at Indiana and current ESPN analyst once say , " Hawaii doesnÃt profits many games in the United States . "
Lou Holtz : A misplaced college coach , Holtz came to the New York Jets and tried to draw up players for the national anthem according to size . He wrote a squad battle song to the melodic line of " The Caissons Go roll Along . " He did n’t last long for some odd reason .
Tom Coughlin : The Giants manoeuvre passenger car has excellently fined role player for showing up early on for meetings . Players are told to be there five minute in the lead of time . Four minute of arc ahead of time ? Bam , fined .
As point coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars , he fined player for not wearing wind sock . Coaches could not break dark glasses . He once fin two players who were hurt in a railway car accident while hurry to a squad coming together , his reasoning being they would ’ve been latterly anyway .
Nick Saban : Once turned down an invitation to dine with Geroge W. Bush because the time interfere with his practice session schedule . OK , avoid politicians does n’t reflect too badly on a fellow . But Saban also passed up a chance to act as golf at Augusta National for the same reasonableness . That ’s different . That ’s a man with a serious problem .
More Dick Vermeil : When the Eagles made the playoffs , CBS wanted to do an interview with Vermeil and his mob at home base around the Christmas tree . No hazard . He hardly ever buy the farm home , choosing to sleep in his office . CBS puzzle its consultation — but only after it the familyand the treeto his function .
Bear Bryant , Take 2 : We result you on this note . Bryant was once asked to bring $ 10 to aid bury a sportswriter .
accord to caption , he say , " Here ’s a twenty , bury two . "
If I ’m still above ground , I ’ll see you in November .
