Australia has it grating . The former penal settlement is habitation to spiders , grown spiders , Tony Abbott , and Baz Lurhmann ’s filmmaking . But Australia ’s Olympian teams , which are currently organise to contend in the approaching Summer Games , might have it the regretful , and their competition includes a woman who recently mistake a large dildo for a duck’s egg .

The Australian jock are already feel themselves facing down theabsolute fuckeryof the 2016 Olympics — as well as some unrelated issues — and the Games have n’t even officially part yet . And while jock are most certainly not the primary victims of the Olympics — that ill-fated identification goes to Rio ’s residents , who will be forced to deal with the havoc make by the Games long after everyone else has exit — the troubles that have happen the Australians are rather inauspicious .

Australian Olympic boss calls Olympic village uninhabitable

“ We decided to do a ‘ tension test ’ where taps and toilette were simultaneously turned on in apartments on several floors to see if the system could cope once the athletes are in - house,”Kitty Chiller said in a statementlast week . “ The organisation failed . Water come down walls , there was a strong olfactory perception of gas in some flat and there was ‘ short-change ’ in the electric wiring . ”

In reply , Rio ’s mayor Eduardo Paes joke that he would put a kangaroo in front of the building .

https://twitter.com/embed/status/757259506980192256

Argentina’s President Javier Milei (left) and Robert F. Kennedy Jr., holding a chainsaw in a photo posted to Kennedy’s X account on May 27. 2025.

Australian athletes eventually move into village, are promptly met with gas leaks

Artistic gymnast ( ? ) Larissa Miller claimed she smell flatulency after she moved in , even though “ emergency repairs ” were done to make indisputable everything was in parliamentary procedure before her reaching . “ But they were onto it straight away . They come and fixed it , ” sheassuredthe Australian Associated Press .

Australian athletes have “Zika shirts” stolen during fire evacuation

The embattle Kitty Chillertold reporterson Friday that someone slip the athletes ’ “ Zika shirts”—gear meant to protect them from theZika computer virus — during an elimination for a basement fire . The fire was reportedly investigated as potential arson .

tidings : Rio Olympic village fire investigated as possible fire-raising

— Carol Costello ( @CarolC)July 30 , 2016

William Duplessie

Australian women’s water polo team hit by gastroenteritis outbreak

Four team membersare attend at48 hours in “ aesculapian closing off ” after suffering an attack of intestinal flu prior to their arrival in Rio . Surely this wo n’t stoke reverence ofcontaminated water !

Australian rowers forced to borrow boats and oars

Though the women ’s eight team ended up in Rio after a stroke of good fortune — which is to say after the Russian teams werebusted for dope — they’re not out of the woods yet : They have to borrow a gravy holder and oars because “ the one they used in Switzerland was shipped back to Australia and ca n’t be sent to Brazil in time for the commencement of Olympic racing there,”according to the AP .

Australian sailors will rely on 1) Not falling out of the boat and 2) Keeping their mouths closed to avoid terrible water pollution

“ They are just get under one’s skin on with it , ” Kitty Chillerexplained today . Other protective measures include quick , post - race exhibitioner , incessant hired man - laundry , and “ avoiding affecting ropes or boats with plain hands . ”

Good luck , Australia !

[ H / T Ryan Broderick ]

Starship Test 9